“And I said this world, this world/Could leave us anyday/But my love for you, it will never go away/And I don’t wanna go to sleep/’cause you are like a dream/For every night I say a prayer/And I swear you are the answer/You’re an angel, you’re an angel, you’re an angel/I don’t need three wishes/Well I just need one/For us to never be finished/For us to never be done” — “Angel” by Leona Lewis

So after my last post, I ended up meeting John’s family. It was so nice. It was only for a few minutes, but it was enough to make me feel really special to him. I got to meet his dad (again….formally), his stepmom, his stepsister and his son for a minute. I really cannot put into words how happy that made me, that he included me in that part of his life. He even did a whole lot of cleaning last week just because he felt like it AND cooked dinner for me one night! I have been so happy! But now….now I’m really scared. Tonight I got a text from him while he was at his dad’s because his son was spending the night and clearly this text was not supposed to be sent to me because it was about me. I debated for about a half a second on whether or not to call him, and I did. He told me to come over so I could see the rest of the text since mine got cut off. Basically, it was him saying that he’s scared of how he feels about me, we’re such opposites but he knows I would never hurt him (which I NEVER would), and that I love kids and that I’ve been there for him thru a lot of stuff. I guess part of the reason I was a little nervous about it was because he was talking to his son’s mother about me. Yeah, he was talking to his ex. You never really know how those conversations are going to go, you know? And he showed me a text she sent back saying he needed to tell me how he felt. Then later he told me that it was basically “shit or get off the pot” time and he “wants to shit” lol. Then he said after his stepmom goes to bed, he’s going to have a talk with his dad. I’m terrified that since he feels it has to be all or nothing at this point and he’s always talked so negatively about the future, that tomorrow is going to be a very bad day for me. Usually when faced with these situations where he has to make a choice as to whether he’s going to stay with me or leave, he’s left. A lot of these times, it hasn’t even been my fault. So I don’t mean to think negatively, but going on the past, it seems most likely that may be what happens. I’m really worried. Because if he does end our relationship tomorrow, that will be it. I won’t be able to give him another chance, I just won’t. It will hurt too much, after everything we’ve been through. I’ve gone thru break-ups and tried to “re-date” the person and it always ends up hurting again…I won’t be able to put myself through that. I love him so much, I really don’t know what I would do if we broke up for good. I would be lost. I don’t think there are any words to express how much I really really love him. And I can’t imagine this apartment without him. This is OUR apartment. We moved in here TOGETHER. It’s OUR place and I don’t want it to be MY place. I want him here. I want him. Some people may not understand our relationship but I don’t care…it’s me and him. And I want it to stay that way. I’m praying prayer after prayer that he won’t go leaving again tomorrow, but with him, I honestly never know. That’s probably what hurts the most.

“Are you there?/Are you watching me?/As I lie here on this floor/They say you feel what I do/They say you’re here every moment/Will you stay?/Stay ’till the darkness leaves/Stay here with me/I know you’re busy, I know I’m just one/But you might be the only one who sees me/The only one to save me/Why is it so hard?/Why can’t you just take me?/I don’t have much to go/Before I fade completely..” — “Irvine” by Kelly Clarkson

I know I haven’t been around in awhile. A lot has been going on with me. Sometimes I wonder if anyone cares about me as much as I care about them. I used to be the person who took care of everyone. I always tried to be the heart-mender, the tear-wiper, the common sense-maker, the hope-giver, the supporter. One of my friends would even affectionately refer to me as “Mama Kathy” lol. Lately, however, I feel so alone. First off, there’s my health, which nobody can completely understand, not even myself. Regarding the Endometriosis, I found out an interesting tid bit of information at my first appointment at the Endo Center of University of Michigan. Let’s just say, if this tid bit proves to be true, I could be coming into a large sum of money. Also, I was diagnosed about a month or two ago with Fibromyalgia. That’s no picnic, let me tell you. The “fibro fog” that comes with it, makes me feel like I’m losing my mind (more then normal, that is). So nobody understands that even though I really WANT to do things some times I just cannot. I know people try to understand, but I’m sure it must be frustrating. And because I lack energy, I rarely get to see my friends. I haven’t seen my best friend in about a good 2 years and I miss her so much. She’s probably the only person who “gets” me completely. We text all the time, but it’s not the same without your best friend. John’s also going thru things that are good, but are making me worry a little. It’s stuff with his kid. His baby’s mom (ughh…I cringe every time I have to use that phrase) is finally getting the good sense to let him see his child more. I have so many fears about this that I don’t feel like I can express to him, for fear of him not understanding or misinterpreting. I’m worried that he’ll find out this child is not his, and he’ll be devastated. I’m worried that he’ll want to become a happy family with his ex. It also kind of bothers me that his ex gets to hang out with his family…I have never met his family and we have been together 3 years. I feel like for the most part, she is getting everything I had wanted. She has a child with him and gets to hang out with his family. I understand the necessity of her having to be around, but it just kind of feels like a slap in the face that *I* don’t get to meet them too. I feel like such a non-part of his life, it’s ridiculous. I never get to hang out with him and his friends either. He says he has his reasons, but I almost feel like he’s either ashamed of me for some reason or he doesn’t think this relationship is worth enough to introduce me to his family. Either way, that sucks and is so hurtful. I feel like I have nobody to talk to. If I bring it up to him, he makes it sound like I’m saying something like I”m not wanting him to hang out with his kid or something and anyone who knows me knows that’s something I would never do to anyone. I can’t talk to my friends about it without hearing “Yeah you shouldn’t have to put up with that”. It’s just that I have never dated a man with a child. I have avoided that at all possible costs because I didn’t want to have “baby mama drama” (cringing again). But I love him. And he’s being a good guy and doing the right thing. I just wish we could do something together sometime. I honestly cannot remember the last time he said we were going to do something and we actually did. Something always “comes up”. A week from this Saturday, we’re “supposed” to go to a wedding for a girl I went to high school with and it is so important to me that he goes with me. But I’m willing to bet that he will find a reason not to. And as usual, it will be a reason that I can’t argue with. What do I do with that? I certainly don’t need to be at the top of his priority list. That, of course, should be his child. And yes, his family should come second. But can I at least be 3rd? Because right now I feel like I’m last…if that. I think he thinks I”m just nagging or being whiny, but I really can’t handle this anymore. It hurts so much to think that this man that I have put before everyone and everything, this man that I have gone into debt over, this man that I love more then anything, this man that I have cried buckets of tears over, this man that is all I want…that I just may not be that important. I don’t WANT to think that. But when you care about someone and are so removed from pretty much every aspect of their life, what do you do? I have nobody to talk to, which would probably help. Sometimes you feel better, just getting everything out, which is pretty much the purpose of my little non-visited blog here. I don’t care if anyone reads this…sometimes I just have to get the feelings out and then it mends whatever was hurting. Or sometimes I just need him to hold me, kiss me and tell me everything’s okay and not make me feel like I’m ridiculous for feeling this way. I KNOW it’s ridiculous. I know he loves me, I just feel…alone.

“But how do you expect me/To live alone with just me/’Cause my world revolves around you/It’s so hard for me to breathe/Tell me how I’m supposed to breathe with no air/Can’t live, can’t breathe with no air/It’s how I feel whenever you ain’t there/It’s no air, no air” — “No Air” — Jordin Sparks & Chris Brown

John just moved out. Back to his dad’s. I miss him already. I know that sounds pathetic and I get so mad at myself for sounding that way but I can’t help it. As irritated as I may get over stupid things sometimes, I would much rather have him here doing the things that might irritate me then not be here. But I understand. I always do, because I love him and he is probably the most important thing to me. Its really hard for me. I tried so hard to not cry in front of him today because he says its hard for him when I cry, but its hard for me not to cry when he leaves. I have never in my life fought for someone as hard as I have fought for him. Anytime he’s left, no matter what the circumstances, I fought for him. Now I worry about what if he doesn’t miss me? He says he will and I really do think that’s true but he has so many friends that it’s like…what if he gets used to me not being around? That’s the scariest thing to me. That I could miss him so much and feel so empty without him and what if it turns out that it’s just me that feels that way? I really would hope thats not the case and I don’t really think it is, but you just never know. I know he has a lot of stuff in his life to concentrate on and I don’t need to be at the top of his priority list. I just don’t want to be at the bottom. I guess it’s hard for me to understand how I keep him from concentrating on the things he needs to. I guess I always kind of thought I helped him actually concentrate on those things because I’m always trying to remind him of when stuff is with people or when he has appointments or whatever. I really try to support him any way I can. Maybe I don’t do the best job, I don’t know, but I try and that’s all I DO know. And I thought I was helping because any time he’d have a bad day or anything, I”d try to make it better by rubbing his back or his feet or doing whatever I could to make him happy. I hate when he’s not happy. I want to do everything in my power to make sure he’s always happy. I know I feel so lonely already and it’s only been like 2 hours since he left. I mean, we’re still together….just apart. The apartment doesn’t feel right with him gone. All his stuff is gone…it feels so final even though he says it’s not. And I have to trust him….I have no reason not to. But it’s going to be so hard to sleep without him and wake up without him. I wish I would have known last night was going to be our last night living together. I would have made sure to really cuddle up to him. Okay I have to finish this post now. I can’t write anymore. It’s too hard. I love him so much.